Category: Passerby

Posted in Passerby, Personal Thoghts

To The Girl In A Timeline A Year Before Today

Posted on by Zeen

Take care of yourself…

Be careful what you feed your mind with, because it will come out ugly – and you will end up hurting someone dear to you. So, while it’s not too late, heal yourself. Surround yourself with pretty things that make you happy.

Journal. Scrapbook. Explore the city on your own. Do whatever you want, everything – anything that can take you away from scrolling your phone, and comparing your life to what you see on social media.

I hope you reflect on your values and beliefs. Continue to live them and engrave them in your heart. Be the ideal person you’ve always dreamed of becoming. Please do not embody your inner demons to push people away. You will regret it.

Cherish him…

Do not take him for granted. He will follow you around, and it’s gonna annoy you at first. But you will soon realize that it is the best feeling, because it shows how much he loves you that he cannot live without you. But I hope you will also make him feel loved. I hope you will also show how much you love him and how your life will be without its meaning, without him by your side.

Appreciate everything he will give you…

The flowers he bought from his little savings. The shoes that he could’ve spent on his wants. The letters and the pretty envelopes he spent all night thinking of and preparing. The songs that convey his feelings. The original pieces that came straight out of his heart. The “just because gifts” because he thought of you. The effort of waking up early so you won’t feel lonely jogging on your own. And mostly, his heart that has been tossed around and bruised by many girls.

Never ever lie to him...

Don’t say you don’t love him just because you wanted reassurance that he will choose you over and over again, every day.

I know.

I know how much you want to be chosen every day, just like the lyrics of your favorite song. But my Mahiwaga, don’t you think it’s unfair for them to desire you when you’re not choosing them? Love is a sacred word for you, so don’t say something you don’t mean. Don’t go telling him you don’t love him. Don’t hurt him any further.

Your love is supposed to be light. It’s supposed to be safe. It shouldn’t harden someone; rather, it empowers them to keep on going. Your love breathes life, not encourages death to knock on their doorstep.

So, don’t be a chore for anybody. Don’t expect them to clean up the mess you made – especially when you are the reason. You’re not his only problem – he has his family to take care of, his studies, and himself to solve.

Do not withhold your love just because you’re afraid he might hurt you. If you can’t trust his word, trust his heart. Feel his heart, listen to its beat, and you will hear it scream your name.

Grow up…

Heal yourself and let go of your past. Don’t wait until you mess up on Christmas Eve, and have him crying in his empty house for the rest of the night.

Because if you do… You will regret it.

From Your Future,

Zeen

I always see this meme on Facebook that says “bente-singko ka na, hindi ka pa rin pinapayagang gumala” (you’re already twenty-five, but you’re still not allowed to go out). I hate to admit it, but I’m one of those who failed to achieve freedom. I wasn’t allowed to go out by myself, and if I was, I need to notify my family weeks or days before the scheduled day. I understand their sentiments – they’re only concerned with my safety – so I always take the “no” with a light heart when I was a minor.

Time went by and I’m already of legal age to make decisions for myself. They encourage me to socialize, go out with friends and do the things I love. But the thing is… whenever I plan to ask permission, my mind always tells me “don’t bother, they might say no“. I think that I might be inconveniencing them if I do – that it’s unfair of me going out while they’re cooped up in their house. That is why every time my friends invite me to go out without any prior notice, I feel like I don’t have the slightest chance to get out.

I always tell myself that this day – month, year – will be different. I will live my life and not listen to any thoughts my mind will feed me, but in the end, I let it control me again. I let it succumbed me to false scenarios that will well… not happen.

I don’t know why my mind is thinking like this. My Psychology major part is telling me that I’m afraid of being rejected. Those past years of not allowing me to go out are catching up to me despite taking it with a light heart – the mind is a very complicated part of the body, who knows what it’s thinking (no pun intended). Another part of me is telling me that it’s because I live with my relatives right now, and I don’t want to endanger them if I ever go out and get infected.

Writing that last part, I remembered something my aunt said. I’m not living with her, but that statement still made a huge impact on my life. It made me realize that I might be selfish if I decided to chase my freedom now of all times – with COVID-19 rampaging with its new variants every now and then. They were only concerned for their and their kids’ safety.

I can’t and won’t go out for the sake of everybody’s safety. I can still do things that I’ve always wanted to do to keep me sane and feel as if I’m doing something remarkable – something the future me would thank me for.

You can only feel freedom when you are by yourself.

Being with my family actually sucks. It feels like I have a leash on my neck and I’m being kept on surveillance. With me alone, I don’t have anyone whom I have to worry about. I can finally breathe because no one is watching and judging my every move.

But with freedom comes a price. It always does. Right now, if the universities will release a memorandum that they are going to have a face-to-face class, I will be trading my comfort for freedom. It will be tough, considering I was born with a silver spoon on my mouth – not lifting a finger for chores, but I can get my comfort back once I settle in. It will be just a temporary inconvenience on my part.

If I truly want to live and not just exist, I have to live alone.

‘Til Next Time,

Zeen

Freedom

Quote• Posted on by Zeen
Posted in Passerby, Personal Thoghts, Written Stories

Balloon

Posted on by Zeen

It would have been nice. This day was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. I already imagined this day to be perfect. To be filled with smiles, love, and melodious laugh. It did. I can see their pearly whites and lips forming like crescent moons. I can hear their glee escaping from their mouth. I can feel the warmth and sincerity as they sing and greet me.

But you were never there.

I tried to look my best today just for you. I remembered how I hate dolling up to impress people. How I only wear pajamas during my day while most of the visitors are all glammed up as if they’re the celebrant.

I gave a small smile as they stare at me while I climb down the stairs. I looked around the crowd, hoping that you would be here. I spotted your friends on the side of the room so I got excited, thinking that you were also there. But you weren’t. I asked them where you are, but even they don’t know where you are. Sensing my disappointment by the news, one of them tried to cheer me up. Telling me empty promises that I knew I would regret if I believed, but I did. I listened. I trusted.

Throughout that day, I mingled with the people inside the house. They saw me smiling, nodding at every word they say, but my mind was wandering. Wondering where you are. Thinking what could have held you up. Made up excuses to console myself, but I ended up excusing myself from the people around me.

I walked towards the kitchen and filled up the void you’ve left and caused, but it never reached the brim. Instead, the pain-filled tears started to escape. I tried to wipe them away but they always kept coming like the possibility of you leaving me.

The bathroom wasn’t far so I locked myself inside as I let my hopes go down the drain as I realized you won’t be coming. As I was enlightened with the negative optimism your friends made to cheer me up.

A knock sounded on the door. Your friends’ voices overlapped each other, asking me if I was fine. That everything will be fine. And that made my heart throbbed even more.

For the last time, I hoped. Hoping that you would be here. Hoping to hear your voice saying you’re here. That you never meant to arrive late. But the only noise I could hear from outside was everybody’s concerns.

I was so happy. I had my hopes up. I got too excited. Only for it to be wrecked and erased by you, not existing in this very place right now.

You were supposed to be here. But I know now everything’s over.